They Crunch and Then Squish When You Bite Them

Eating is gross. Think about it. Biting, chewing, swallowing, it's all kind of disgusting. Think about a cow with the sideways chewing, grinding grass and cud. I mean, what is cud? It's solid puke is what it is. And they chew it and swallow it multiple times. No, it's gross, it's gross. Now think about your fat uncle at Thanksgiving. Yes, now you see it. Eating is gross.

We have to eat. We have to eat to live, unfortunately. We need things, things to make us go. So, naturally a culture has grown up around the subject of food and eating. We all have to do it, so let's capitalize on it. This is the “foodie” culture. Foodies are people who are so into food that they actually do it for a hobby, or a job. How do you “do” food as a hobby? And why aren't all of these people morbidly obese? Every food blogger I've ever seen is a skinny, beautiful person. Where are the tubby bastards? Those are the people who's opinion I want on food. The skinny ones only talk about salads and sprouts and tofu crap. These people aren't foodies, they're some kind of bipedal rabbits.

As far as I'm concerned newsworthy food involves, wait, never mind, food isn't newsworthy! Christ, it's food. I actually heard the phrase “culinary map of America” on a news program. An honest to God news program. It was a real story. Shouldn't you be covering something more pressing than stuff that people shove into their mouths that literally will become shit?

I don't understand this notion of adventurous eating either. People like Andrew Zimmern who wander the world stuffing their faces with fetal fowl, fish that can kill you if cleaned improperly and a plethora of things with exoskeletons that aren't prawns. This isn't food, it's sadomasochism. I have no interest in eating bugs. There's a lot of talk about insects being the “protein of the future” because they're extremely prevalent, easy to cultivate, and apparently full of delightful nutrients.

They also crunch and then squish when you bite them.

No.

No.

Very no.

I have discovered a phenomenon known as “texturous interruptous.” This is why certain people, like myself, can't mix foods on their plate. Let's use a simple example, yogurt. Many people enjoy yogurt with bits of fruit. I like yogurt. I also like fruit. But if I am eating yogurt and get a bit of fruit I will vomit. It's not a taste problem, it's the interruption of the smooth texture of yogurt by the slimy, sometimes crunchy texture of the fruit. I will vomit. I believe that all restaurants should use segmented plates. Gordon Ramsay would say that I hate food because of this, and I'm OK with that. My father has always said that he would be content to blenderize his entire meal and squeeze it into his mouth from a pastry bag. But what if there is an errant piece of unblended corn? Vomit.

So, if you are feeding me. Please, do not be pretentious. And if you are a pretentious food Nazi and you tone it down for me, tone it down again. Because I will snub you. I will 100% snub you and your silly food.

Kill me.