Sexy Cars

Ever watch car porn? I have. Here's some: http://carpr0n.tumblr.com.

Most car owners are just that, owners. Drive to work, drive home, take kids to soccer, visit Mom at the home. Bleh. Then there are car lovers. And it's not like they love cars the way someone loves hot dogs or bunnies, they are car lovers. Probably better called car-make-lovers. Car fuckers.

I would be a car fucker but I have no money, so I'm more of a car voyeur. The cars that I want to make love to cost more than your house. I promise. But what is so great about a ridiculous, pointy demon vehicle? I have no answer for you. They are great because they are, because in a car you become more than just you. You are a man-machine.

Think about this, you sing in your car. You sing like you're playing rock band with no one else, or a video game console. Or you pick your nose. Or maybe you've changed your clothes. All while thinking that no one could see you. Because a car is like a cloaking device for gross and stupid things. This is because you become one body with your car, on meaty metallic flesh. 

If the car you become one with is this: 

I'm sorry.

But if it's this:

Well, hello Mr. Postman. 

I could not find one sexy picture of a Kia. I found sexier pictures of Margaret Thatcher. 

Ramen noodles as head gear was all the rage in those days.

Cheap cars aren't sexy. They just aren't. They can be fun, they can be economical, they can be sporty, but they just aren't sexy. And this is sad. Because I'm a poor bastard. And while I do appreciate my Dodge Caliber's relative usefulness it does not make me want to rub my naked body with oil and slide around on its hood.

So I ask of you, nay, I beg of you Ford, Toyota, Chevrolet and dare I say Kia: Please, please design a sexy budget ride for those of us who just want to slide around on an oily bonnet. It's good for the soul. Help rescue the souls of your people from anticlimactic motoring, because I know that it is possible to take the kids to school or visit Mom at the home and still feel sexy and special for the few moments that you're behind the wheel. It's all some of us have.